Ask Amy: Should the brother’s wife be told that family members say he assaulted them when they were children?


Dear Amy: My younger brother was arrested 19 years ago and jailed for eight weeks for assaulting a 4 year old.

He was on probation for 10 years. It was horrible for the child’s family and for my family.

We thought it was a unique thing.

My brother moved on with his life, got married and has a good job.

Most recently, five family members (now adults) said he also assaulted them when they were young.

Everyone must decide whether to come forward and report it … now or never.

His wife has no idea this all happened, but she does have grandchildren.

Should any of our family members tell him about it for the sake of his grandchildren?

It’s a Pandora’s Box, but it looks like something needs to be said.

My brother has no idea his secret is out.

Blowing up the family will indeed happen if it comes out.


– Uncertain

Dear Unsure: My thoughts are that someone (your parents, perhaps) could have – and should have – done more to protect the first generation of children who were victimized by your brother after his initial conviction.

In addition to his (very light) sentence, he should have received therapeutic help, and he should not have had access to the children.

But because this crime is so painful for your family to face, your brother didn’t get help, the news that he is a convicted child molester has been swept under the rug, and it looks like he is. continued to victimize more children, who now carry this burden with them.

Yes, his wife should be informed, immediately.

The wording of your letter suggests that your brother has step-grandchildren. Their parents should also be made aware of your brother’s conviction for pedophilia and that it was probably not a “one-time thing”. He should not have access to children without the presence of their parents.

The public feels that a high percentage of child molesters reoffend, and while my reading about it suggests the recidivism rate may be lower than most think, five credible charges in a family mean that your brother continued to commit offenses.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. After a year, we moved in together. I was buying a house and he would sell his house and move in with me and my two teenagers.

Before buying the house, we looked at our finances.

I was appalled not only by his debt load, but also by the realization that it didn’t seem to bother him. He has an unsecured debt of $ 60,000 and his salary has since been garnished.

He hasn’t paid his taxes in full since 2018; so far this year he has ALWAYS not filed his taxes. I tried to talk to him, to let him know that filing taxes is NOT optional.

Financial issues aside, he’s the most caring and kind human I have ever met.

He might not be financially strong, but he’s an amazing person.

I thought I could help him learn to be financially responsible – however, every time I try to talk about it he stops. I know he’s embarrassed.

How can I help them want to become financially responsible?

Everyone always asks when we are going to get married.

I do NOT want to get married in this type of financial recklessness, but I also don’t want to “reveal” it to friends / family.

What would be the appropriate response when people ask when we are getting married?

– Concerned

Dear worried, you should meet with an experienced accountant, who will review your finances calmly and openly and help them come up with a reasonable plan to prioritize their financial issues and begin to fix them.

A neutral third party can often make progress where a partner cannot, and can also help negotiate settlements with creditors.

Your man needs to understand that taking care of his finances is a caring and kind thing to do – it is an extension of his desire to be a fully functional partner.

No, don’t get married in this mess. If people ask about marriage, you can just say, “We haven’t decided. “

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy Where Facebook.)

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